Get in touch

Do You Want it or Need it – What is the Difference?

If you have been following me for any length of time then you may have seen me write about looking for the things that you want, rather than the things that you need.

It isn’t that needs are bad, they are an essential part of living a fulfilled life. It is that if you always driven to ‘do’ by what you need, then you never get what you really want.

Let’s look at the difference.

You are a feeling being that thinks. Your history as a human species has been driven by the need to survive and you have this in common with all animals. You have developed complex ways in order to ensure this happens, it is instinctual and very useful on certain occasions, but very unhelpful and unhealthy at other times.

If we look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, you can see that there are a certain number of things that you need to find/achieve to feel safe, secure and eventually reach the pinnacle of your own existence.

 

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Tony Robbins writes about the Six Human Needs that you must fulfil in order to live an emotionally healthy life:

Certainty

Uncertainty/Variety

Significance

Connection/Love

Growth

Contribution

 

With the Six Human Needs, as with Maslow, if there is something missing from these then you are unlikely to have the healthiest relationships in your life, as it will always feel as though something is missing.

If you do not feel complete, you will never be fulfilled and the likelihood of you attracting a quality and healthy relationship into your life will be fairly small.

A big influence over your ability to achieve this is the need you are being driven to fulfil.

Let’s take significance as an example. If that is your primary need then you will only feel ‘ok’ when you meet that need. Most of us learn our primary emotional need in childhood and to seek significance comes from an external source.

If you are chasing significance from someone/something then you will never be at peace, because it will constantly fluctuate and is never a permanent state.

How does looking for what you want change this?

When I work with clients, most of them have never really considered what they want and just end up chasing what they need.

If you are actually choosing to live your life around what you want, then you will find that your life is more fulfilling, satisfying and the quality of your relationships will be exactly what you want them to be.

Want is a conscious choice, need is subconscious.

Want is about deciding what is best for you, need is about being driven by what your brain thinks is best for you based on your past experiences.

Want will allow you to live to your values, principles and purpose, need will keep you stuck in the world of ‘should’, ‘have to’ and an emptiness that you will never be able to put your finger on.

A want is within your control and a need relies on the outside world to provide it for you.

Wouldn’t it be better to live a life that you want and attract the relationships that complement you instead of a need that completes you?

Of course it would!

Talking of want and need. I want to write a book about what it is that high achievers look for in relationships and what I need is people to take part and give me their input.

If you would like to take part, it can be anonymous or your contribution can be attributed to you in the book, then please book in for a 15 minute call with me at https://calendly.com/johnkennycoaching/30min (I know it says 30min, but it will just be a 15 minute chat).

Everyone who takes part will receive a copy of the finished product and also a copy of my first book The P.E.O.P.L.E. Programme.

Thank you in advance for helping me with what I need.

If you are ready to book your FREE Relationship Breakthrough Session then use the same link.

I look forward to speaking to you.

Be good to yourself.

John

 

Coaching Relationships
Previous reading
Top Five Predictors to a Healthy Relationship
Next reading
What is Self-Actualisation?