But why would that be the case?
Well, it is probably because they are used to attracting and being attracted to the types of relationships that keep them stuck in the same pattern or cycle of something that is unhealthy and unsustainable.
It is entirely possible that it could actually be a subconscious choice to maintain these types of relationships because they fulfil their needs and end up giving them the desired result they are seeking.
For example: that loving caring relationships are not to be trusted, as that love is always removed at some point.
If that is your belief then you will seek out the evidence to make this true, every time, and won’t know what to do if this doesn’t happen.
So, how do you realise that it maybe you that sustains these toxic/unhealthy relationships?
Signs to look out for include:
You are controlling and critical.
You never express your real feelings.
You become abusive verbally, physically and emotionally.
You ‘gaslight’ people. (see my article for an explanation of gaslighting) https://www.johnkennycoaching.com/gaslighting/
You have temper tantrums to get your own way.
You flirt with other people (and I don’t mean that you just talk to people, you try and garner some affection or positive feedback).
You say you want to be with someone ‘better’ (because you have chosen someone that isn’t good for you, but they are not the problem).
You get really insecure and don’t believe someone wants you. So, you will usually test them to see how much of your BS they can put up with.
This is not an extensive list by any means, but just some signs to look out for in your own behaviour that will show you that you may be the one causing the issues in your relationship.
Bear in mind that the person you are acting this all out with is likely to be there for the same reasons as you.
They too have learnt to relate in an unhealthy and maladaptive manner and are with you as they are attracted to your insecurities, the same way that you are attracted to theirs.
You are on the same ‘emotional energy wavelength’ and until you resolve the way you see yourself and what you expect or need from relationships, the cycle will continue.
If you think that you need help with finding your way out of this issue then coaching can help.
Contact me using the contact button above or call 07709 350019 to book your free confidential consultation.
I look forward to speaking to you.