What to Avoid When Dating

I have worked with several people recently who have decided it is time to start dating again.

This is a brief list of things to avoid when we get back on the dating train based on their experiences of past relationships.

Putting on a performance
Be authentic. If you’re trying too hard to perform, they’re probably not the right person for you and they will be attracted to the performance, not the real you.

Telling them too much emotional stuff about your past
This could be your way of gaining attention and also, they can use it against you if they are that way inclined.

Coming on too strong
This can be based in your insecurity (read my piece on attachment). It can be intimidating and stop the relationship developing.

Being too rigid in your needs
Try not to line everyone up against an idea of what you want. It is dating, not an interview!
You may have your list of priorities wrong too, based on your needs being maladaptive.

Not learning from past relationships
Take some time to and maybe explore with a professional your relationship history.
Past patterns are a good indicator of future results.

Moving too fast
A lot of us love the dopamine rush of a new relationship and it feels good.
Pace yourself so that you can really get to know someone before you decide to integrate them into your life fully or tell them they are the one.

Ignoring red flags
Big one here… it is very common that we may so want this to be okay that we ignore those signs that we need to take seriously.
You know it isn’t going to work out well in the end if they are raising the flags for you.

Posting too much on social media
Recently I met a client who cryptically spread the word of new relationship and then made the big reveal! Then the posts of everything they did and everything they felt was everywhere. Their new partner didn’t like this and swiftly ended the relationship.

Establish clear boundaries
This can link back to your past relationships, how you see yourself and what you allow and don’t allow. Be mindful of how you want relationships to be and set the tone for this from the beginning. If you let things slide at the beginning they are not going to stop.

Being too available
It can be tempting to drop everyone and everything when you first meet someone new.
This can lead to co-dependency and toxicity.
Make time for friends, family and hobbies so that it isn’t all that you have.

Don’t ignore sexual incompatibility
An unhealthy sex life can have a massive impact on your relationship fulfilment.
It will need to be addressed if after the initial getting to know each other physically stage doesn’t improve.
We all like what we like so don’t be afraid to express this. Obviously if you are uncomfortable with what they desire, you don’t have to do anything!

 

If you want to talk about your own dating life in private then please contact me on here or call 07709 350019 for a free consultation.

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