A question that I hear a lot when I am discussing unhealthy relationship patterns is ‘why am I always attracted to toxic people?’ or ‘why are toxic people attracted to me?’
You may have read lots of books on the subject or been to dating workshops to figure out how to find the right partner. I have even been to those myself when getting advice on dating and how to date, who to be, how to play the game etc..
But you always seem to find yourself in a toxic/unhealthy relationship that is never going to make you happy and fulfilled.
So, you say to yourself, ‘Why is this happening to me? Why do I always attract toxic people that hurt me?’
Unfortunately, this is never really covered in these books and seminars as they don’t address the real problems.
Some give you the wrong advice as they don’t understand what is really going on.
Some will even come from an angry and hurt place, from their own experiences, telling you that these people are just horrible and manipulative and you just need to shut these people out and choose a nicer person… easier said than done!
It’s very important to realise that nothing happens to us.
Things just happen in life, but we do create some circumstances because of our own choices, and that includes choosing to be in a toxic relationship and ignoring the signs of an unhealthy one.
If you want this to stop, you need to make a few changes and refuse toxic people coming into your life.
So, what is it that you do that attracts them at the moment?
1. You see yourself as low value
Do you put yourself down?
Are you hard on yourself?
Are you hurting or neglecting yourself?
Do you put others on a pedestal?
If you are negative towards yourself you are putting that energy out there and will attract people to you that treat you the same.
You need to stop the negative put downs and putting people before you and above you.
2. You accept circumstances you really don’t want
Do you speak up when someone says or does something you don’t like or just let it go?
Are you staying in a job or another situation you hate?
Choices you make in one area of our life carry over into other areas.
You may have been told that you stick at something no matter how bad, that giving up or walking away is failing.
That you owe someone something and therefore you can’t walk away.
So many people tell themselves that they have to stay in a bad situation but guess what, you don’t have to!
What you do need to do is explore why you might think you should stay.
Doing something different can feel scary, it creates unknowns and uncertainty. If you have learnt to do something a certain way then your brain prefers the norm, even if it is making you unhappy.
3. You sacrifice yourself and what you want
When you sacrifice your needs and wants for others, you will attract people that you will need you to do this for them as they have their own hang ups around belonging, being loved and cared about. They will not be able to do the same for you.
4. You hide who you really are
Hiding who you really are means that you are always attracting the people who like who you are pretending to be, or feel you need to be to fit in.
I coined a phrase ‘Be Less Chameleon’.
Show who you are, don’t hide it, don’t try and blend in with the needs of others.
If not, you will never get what you want from a relationship.
5. You haven’t fully dealt with your past
This is where most of this comes from.
You are carrying things from your past about how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself, how much love and respect you have, for you.
How you have learnt to do relationships, what you expect from them.
It decides what you put out there and what you are looking for in your life.
Anything not fully processed and dealt with will hold you back and hinder attracting the right people to you.
You can never move forward if you are still in your past.
You always have choices. But if you are making choices from everything you have learnt from your past and that past is telling you things that mean you keep making negative choices… then your consequences will always be the same.
You will keep finding yourself in toxic/unhealthy relationships until you decide to do something new!
Please feel free to comment or ask any questions about this.
If you would like more details about my workshops or coaching and how these can help you, then please contact me to discuss.
I look forward to hearing from you.